Recently I cleaned up a home and was left scratching my head. The people living in the house had moved on, leaving behind from what I was left to clean, a messy,complicated life. They literally walked away, drawers full of stuff, papers, photos, cards, pots and pans, food. And, then, they were gone.
I would have left and not cleaned had I not needed the money. Our financial situation is very tight. But, it is not hopeless. What made me sad was picking up the vibe from this absent family that they were... hopeless, maybe? I even prayed. Sometimes I do that when I come to someone's house and pick up a vibe. Maybe that is corny, I dunno, but, it is what I do.
I feel like life is just really really hard right now. I feel as though people are living on the edge more so than ever. I wish them well, these people. And, I cleaned the HELL outta that house and think it will now be rent-able. I really do. I want them to be able to rent this house and make whatever payments they need to make.
Returned from the Land of 10,000 Lakes where we scattered dad's ashes. That was hard, but, also, very good. I felt as though we were following dad's wishes and that he was proud that we were. He always fretted that we would not scatter his ashes, that we'd not have him cremated, etc. etc. But, we did just that.
I expected the trip to my grandparents' home to be the highlight of the trip. Have you ever had a place which, in your mind, is your 'heaven on earth'? Well, their place, on Lobster Lake, is/was my heaven. It had smells and sights and sounds that I have recalled in memory over the years. Its presence in memory has lulled me to sleep, calmed my nerves, helped me focus during a chemo treatment. It's that kind of place.
Well, no more. Despite heroic efforts by family members to clean and cut down dead brush and haul trash, it was nothing like I had remembered it to be. Even the smell of the place was gone. We sat in our circle of lawn chairs, favorite uncles and beloved cousins, talking like we always would. But, the absence of dad, my cousin, Fred, my brother, Sam, my sister, Ann, and of course, my grandparents, made that circle seem hollow.
We tried. We laughed and repeated various stories. But, it was just, well, flat. They were gone.
I was way bummed.
And so, that night, we all went back to one of my cousin's homes, where we stayed. They live on a lake, and they have a dock. I was feeling low, especially after bidding farewell to dad back at grandpa and grandma's... but I took a fishing pole, and tossed out my line. I hadn't fished in over 20 years.
My cousins played music. I heard laughter. I helped little people bait hooks. I listened to loons. I swatted mosquitos. I smelled lake water. Different lake, but, same old feeling.
And, then, down went my line, zig zagging deep in the water. I was certain I had caught a turtle or, caught a big wad of sea weed. But, no, by god, it was a fish. And, it was a very pissed off fish. And, it was not a little fish. It was a.... bass.
Whoa, nelly! Cousins came running. "Get a net!" said one. I found myself squealing with excitement! I caught a FISH. It was quite respectable.
So, all thoughts of Lobster Lake, bare rooms, bare walls, absent voices, dead trees.... GONE. Instead, it was me, my fishing line, a fish, and a whole bunch of people behind me, cheering me on.
I smelled those smells again and felt that love returning. I felt hope. I really, truly did.
I heard stories of my greatgrandpa, Alfred, who apparently was a wealthy man, when being a weathly man was unheard of (the depression). I didn't know that. I wanted to hear how. He didn't inherit wealth: he EARNED his wealth. Hard, steady work. Living within his means. Paying people back. Not getting overextended. Somehow hearing these stories of Greatgrandpa Helge (short for 'Helgeson') gave ME hope. The formula is simple, but deceptively so: pay for things, live within your means. Save.
I love that. I thought of him while I hauled rotting food to the curb at the house I cleaned recently. What would he think? I thought of him when I threw away unopened bills.... would this family be able to run far enough away from this truth? I don't think so. Been there, done that.
Anyway, the reunion with family was awesome. I not only love my cousins, I like them, too. I would be friends with any of them. And, I already miss them. I think dad looks down and is proud. We pulled it off. We did it. And, sounds like, we'll do it again, next year.
I sit here at dad's desk and remind myself that he isn't ever very far away, and is sitting in a circle with Freddy, his parents, and that smart old guy, Great Grandpa Helge.
