Ah, Christmas is over. The tree seems a little lonely, sitting there with no presents underneath. The stockings look a little pitiful, stacked one on top of the other, all empty. I remember as a kid being kinda bummed when I would see the tree and the stockings the day after. Time marches on.
I have to say that I am a little bit proud of me. I have been planning for, oh, like 10 years to serve Christmas dinner to those who have nowhere else to go. And then, year after year, I would find an excuse or two that would keep me from following through and volunteering. But, this year, I was determined. I was determined to: stay within a budget and be happy with it; make lefse and eat it (even if it wasn't very good); and to follow through and DO IT, serve at the community Christmas dinner.
What was totally great about it wasn't even the fact that lots of people, many of whom are clients I have worked with the last year and a half were getting a delivered meal or coming in and eating a meal, but, it was the fellow volunteers. I was stationed next to a very funny grocery manager. He scooped potatos and stuffing, I drizzled gravy and handed it off to Sam who plopped a helping of corn. We stood side by side, laughing, talking, and feeling really good about getting the job done. 777 meals delivered. And, we helped get that done.
And, the line! There was a line, a mile long, not of people there to eat, but, to volunteer to deliver! That was a pretty cool thing to see. So, being with other Lawrence people, all with the same idea, felt so good, I can't even describe it. It felt, 'right'. I felt so very proud to be a Lawrencian. Lawrence can be a really great place to live.
And then, it was off to Josh and Andrea's for their first Christmas in their 107-year old house in Topeka. Now, these two are amazing. Youth is wasted on the young, that is for sure. Josh is my nephew who married Andrea, who we all love so very much. Anyway, they saved up, went without, like you are supposed to, and bought an old house. Then, instead of charging a bunch of stuff or, hiring contractors to do this and that, they did it all themselves. After a long ass day at work, they would head over to their house and peel 107 years of wallpaper off the walls, tear out old cupboards and take old linoleum off of floors. I was so impressed with all of this. We, as a family, are notoriously NOT good at doing the handy kind of things. But, these two have helped prove that it can be done. And, the house is great!
Another cool thing was getting very thoughtful gifts from Sam and Georgia. Both of them got me stuff that I will appreciate: a big box of Milk Duds from Georgia and some good smelling lotion and body spray; a cool book from Sam about music and some incense... I dunno, I was very appreciative. It meant alot to me, that something was under that tree with my name on it!
And, then there is lunch with Jeff and Diane. I have known Jeff and Diane since 1990. My son, Sam was in diapers when I met them. We have Christmas eve lunch at one of our favorite places, Johnny's and drink margaritas and laugh about all kinds of stuff. Jeff makes amazing cheesecake, and makes them for 10-12 people each year. We were lucky enough to make the cut again this year. And, I managed to get one sliver of it, before Sam ate the rest over the last three days. He ate all of it!
And, then there was the lefse making with Sarah. The first batch was horrible and dad was quick to point it out. We then all went to see 'True Grit' and dad even went. Dad's verdict was that it was, "just as good as the original". This is high praise from Fred, believe me. It was great to go to a movie with him, too. (he doesn't like going to the movies).
So, all in all, it was a great Christmas.
Tomorrow it is back to work. And, this is the last week as a casemanager. I am bummed about that, but, have to be hopeful that as this door closes, another one will open, right?
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Go Sh(* in Your Hat
It's midnight. Dad is snoring away in his chair. Sam is snoring away on the couch. Georgia is probably snoring away in her bed. And, I am wide awake.
My last few days have been coated with shame. I was waiting on a grade for one of my classes. I worked my butt off on the final presentation and the paper. This instructor is an APA stickler of all things, APA. I thought I had done a pretty good job. And then, in the blink of an eye, all that self-confidence was down the toilet. I did not cite a reference correctly. No, I did not say that I did not cite a source, but that it was cited, incorrectly. In her book, this is a mortal sin. And, she accused me of far more than I committed.
I was given a choice: rewrite this paper that amounts to about 40 percent of my grade, or, get an 'F' on the paper, which pulls the grade down to a 'C'. In grad school, a 'C' is like an 'F-'. I chose to re-write the paper.
I cannot begin to express how awful I felt. It was as if I had committed a felony. I did not cheat. I did not take credit for anothers' work. I simply cited something, incompletely. It was in the bibliography. It was even cited. It was just cited, wrong.
I actually contemplated for a moment or two, quitting school and becoming a career cleaning lady! What the hell? Five semesters of 4.0 down the drain?
I talked with one of my sisters. She is also pursuing a degree in social work. She helped me screw my head back on correctly.
Then, the best part of all of this, is that the very group that inspired my research, presentation and paper, supported me tonight. I went to my group, and told the 15 other people in the room, what happened. And, given that there were at least two or three teachers in the room, the collective gasp and muttering made me feel better. Everyone agreed that the punishment was much too harsh for the 'crime'. But, regardless, what FELT good was tossing that pile of shame out the window, and wrapping their support around my little narrow shoulders and remembering what IS important. This, my friends, is what matters. Friends. And, I had a room-ful of them and would pretty much do anything for any of them. So, to quote Corrado Soprano (from 'The Sopranos'): "Go shit in your hat".
Instead of watching alot of really bad reality television and eating fudge the next few weeks, I will be re-researching the power of shared interest groups for those who are socially isolated. Fun times.
Tonight, after feeling good after the meeting, I decided to fete my co-workers with homemade baked goods. I made gingerbread cookies shaped like Christmas trees. I frosted them with red frosting. Then, I started to realize how off that was, then, realized I was over thinking the cookies. I made 'Spectacular Fudge'. We'll see if it works out. I made chocolate covered pretzels. And, I now know what white chocolate smells and looks like when it is burnt in the microwave.
I like my co-workers. They are two young social workers, both smart. And, both, quite thin, now that I think of it, but, that is besides the point. Anyway, I like them. I am encouraged by their ability to really look over a situation in a critical way and help their clients in a positive way. I worry that tI think I tend to love my clients a wee bit too much. I also know for a fact that caring for others is not a character flaw. But, again, I like these two young women. They are smart. And, as someone who is old enough to be their mom, I am strangely proud of them both. I wish I could tell both of their moms that they should be proud, because these two young women do the profession of Social Work proud.
I decided that I would re-write this paper AFTER Christmas. I have until January 15th. And, why can't I focus on the good stuff, like the fact that she gave me an A plus on my presentation and said it was one of the best she had seen? Why can't I focus on that? I dunno....
I was reminded tonight how important it is to get in touch with 'What you Did Right'. As a person who lost a loved one to suicide, one of the hardest things to get past is all of the things I think I did wrong. The should haves and the could haves. But, we have been challenged to consider the things we each did, right.
And so, in 2011, I am going to try and identify what I have done, right.
And yes, Christmas trees CAN be red!
My last few days have been coated with shame. I was waiting on a grade for one of my classes. I worked my butt off on the final presentation and the paper. This instructor is an APA stickler of all things, APA. I thought I had done a pretty good job. And then, in the blink of an eye, all that self-confidence was down the toilet. I did not cite a reference correctly. No, I did not say that I did not cite a source, but that it was cited, incorrectly. In her book, this is a mortal sin. And, she accused me of far more than I committed.
I was given a choice: rewrite this paper that amounts to about 40 percent of my grade, or, get an 'F' on the paper, which pulls the grade down to a 'C'. In grad school, a 'C' is like an 'F-'. I chose to re-write the paper.
I cannot begin to express how awful I felt. It was as if I had committed a felony. I did not cheat. I did not take credit for anothers' work. I simply cited something, incompletely. It was in the bibliography. It was even cited. It was just cited, wrong.
I actually contemplated for a moment or two, quitting school and becoming a career cleaning lady! What the hell? Five semesters of 4.0 down the drain?
I talked with one of my sisters. She is also pursuing a degree in social work. She helped me screw my head back on correctly.
Then, the best part of all of this, is that the very group that inspired my research, presentation and paper, supported me tonight. I went to my group, and told the 15 other people in the room, what happened. And, given that there were at least two or three teachers in the room, the collective gasp and muttering made me feel better. Everyone agreed that the punishment was much too harsh for the 'crime'. But, regardless, what FELT good was tossing that pile of shame out the window, and wrapping their support around my little narrow shoulders and remembering what IS important. This, my friends, is what matters. Friends. And, I had a room-ful of them and would pretty much do anything for any of them. So, to quote Corrado Soprano (from 'The Sopranos'): "Go shit in your hat".
Instead of watching alot of really bad reality television and eating fudge the next few weeks, I will be re-researching the power of shared interest groups for those who are socially isolated. Fun times.
Tonight, after feeling good after the meeting, I decided to fete my co-workers with homemade baked goods. I made gingerbread cookies shaped like Christmas trees. I frosted them with red frosting. Then, I started to realize how off that was, then, realized I was over thinking the cookies. I made 'Spectacular Fudge'. We'll see if it works out. I made chocolate covered pretzels. And, I now know what white chocolate smells and looks like when it is burnt in the microwave.
I like my co-workers. They are two young social workers, both smart. And, both, quite thin, now that I think of it, but, that is besides the point. Anyway, I like them. I am encouraged by their ability to really look over a situation in a critical way and help their clients in a positive way. I worry that tI think I tend to love my clients a wee bit too much. I also know for a fact that caring for others is not a character flaw. But, again, I like these two young women. They are smart. And, as someone who is old enough to be their mom, I am strangely proud of them both. I wish I could tell both of their moms that they should be proud, because these two young women do the profession of Social Work proud.
I decided that I would re-write this paper AFTER Christmas. I have until January 15th. And, why can't I focus on the good stuff, like the fact that she gave me an A plus on my presentation and said it was one of the best she had seen? Why can't I focus on that? I dunno....
I was reminded tonight how important it is to get in touch with 'What you Did Right'. As a person who lost a loved one to suicide, one of the hardest things to get past is all of the things I think I did wrong. The should haves and the could haves. But, we have been challenged to consider the things we each did, right.
And so, in 2011, I am going to try and identify what I have done, right.
And yes, Christmas trees CAN be red!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Years' Later
I started getting comments to my old blog, 'Rose Nose'. Lots of comments. The only problem is, the comments came from Russia and all of them seemed to be from call girls. So, I started over.
Makes me sad, starting over. I started that blog in 2005. But, over and over again, I was getting these poorly written comments. I had to start over.
I am waiting for my son to come home. He's travelling with other art students, driving the 10-hour drive. I am a little nervous about it, as there is snow and ice forecast between Milwaukee and Lawrence. And, they are all art students, with their minds on things other than the road. I'll feel better when I can see him with my own eyes and he is home safe.
My daughter finished the semester off a heck of alot better than she thought she would. And, I am proud of her. Feels good to see her, proud of her, too. She brought home some of her artwork, including a cool self portrait, that I am displaying on the mantle.
Another semester down. Just 3 to go. It was a busy semester, working 25 hours a week, then another 20 hours a week cleaning, then two classes and all the reading and projects that go with that. But, I did it. My house reflects the nutty schedule I kept, too, so, piece by piece, I am getting caught up, with mountains of laundry and bill paying and this and that.
All I could think about tonight, driving from errand to errand, is what all Gordon is missing. Gordon has missed so much. I am especially focused on all that he has missed with Sam and Georgia. Self portraits on the mantle. Calls from Milwaukee to boast about a good grade or a painting being sold. But even more so, it is the daily stuff he has missed. It is the expectation of the car driving into the driveway with our son delivered safely. It is our daughter laughing hysterically while talking for hours on her phone.
Here we are, years later. We made it. I just wish he had felt like he could have as well.
Makes me sad, starting over. I started that blog in 2005. But, over and over again, I was getting these poorly written comments. I had to start over.
I am waiting for my son to come home. He's travelling with other art students, driving the 10-hour drive. I am a little nervous about it, as there is snow and ice forecast between Milwaukee and Lawrence. And, they are all art students, with their minds on things other than the road. I'll feel better when I can see him with my own eyes and he is home safe.
My daughter finished the semester off a heck of alot better than she thought she would. And, I am proud of her. Feels good to see her, proud of her, too. She brought home some of her artwork, including a cool self portrait, that I am displaying on the mantle.
Another semester down. Just 3 to go. It was a busy semester, working 25 hours a week, then another 20 hours a week cleaning, then two classes and all the reading and projects that go with that. But, I did it. My house reflects the nutty schedule I kept, too, so, piece by piece, I am getting caught up, with mountains of laundry and bill paying and this and that.
All I could think about tonight, driving from errand to errand, is what all Gordon is missing. Gordon has missed so much. I am especially focused on all that he has missed with Sam and Georgia. Self portraits on the mantle. Calls from Milwaukee to boast about a good grade or a painting being sold. But even more so, it is the daily stuff he has missed. It is the expectation of the car driving into the driveway with our son delivered safely. It is our daughter laughing hysterically while talking for hours on her phone.
Here we are, years later. We made it. I just wish he had felt like he could have as well.
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