What I did/do Right

Ah, a new year. I sit among piles and piles, and more piles of laundry. It is very apparent that both kids are home! I am embarrassed to disclose the number of loads I have washed in the last 24 hours (read 12) and more to do. My daughter has been told, encouraged, threatened and asked to stop using a towel a day... I usually resort to:

"When I was your age, we used one towel a week, and, that was just fine for us!" and then I assume a posture of superiority, shoulders back, chin up, and walk off in a huff.

In one ear and out the other.

Georgia is not a rotten kid. She's a good kid, but, she's a kid. I can hear Dr. Phil about now, responding that that is no excuse, she needs to respect me, yada yada yada...

Yeah, I know. Respect. Do I pound it into them? That doesn't work. I need to find their 'currency' (another Dr. Phil word) and use that as a, er, bargaining tool. The cell phone.... ha ha ha.

We'll see how it goes.

So, 2011. What is in store for me? I guess I am in charge of determining that. Last year, at this time, I was at the mercy of outrageous mortgage payments and a smaller cleaning client base. I felt trapped. Today, I am not feeling trapped. I live in a place I can afford. I have an opportunity now that my job is over with to pick up some volunteer hours, and grow my little business a bit more. See? Different attitude.

My last post about my grading disaster on my final project has an update. My paper that I claimed I worked so hard over, etc etc? Well, I am re-reading it, with a clear head and, it totally sucked eggs. It was awful. So, starting from scratch, I am writing the paper I wanted to write, but, for a variety of reasons, (read stress and worry), I could not.

So there.

Sam is feeling like a vagabond these days. He lives out of a duffel bag. And, it is getting to him. He needs to get back to Milwaukee. He goes back a week from today. I think a dinner and movie might help. We'll see....

I keep thinking about this question that is written and posted on the door to the room where our support group meets:

What did you do right?

To some people that may seem somewhat basic. But, for someone like a person who lost a spouse, lover, child, parent, brother, sister or friend to suicide, it is a completely new concept.

If the question was, 'what did you do wrong?' well, pull up a chair, pitch a tent, unwrap a sleeping bag 'cuz you are gonna be here a long while as this question is answered. We all know what we did wrong. It is hard to know if the person who died by suicide wanted us to be immersed in that kind of self criticism. I don't think so, but, I can't be certain. Regardless, we know what we did wrong.

But the question hangs in the air, "what did you do right?" Huh? Right? Did I do anything right? It will take time to think about that. It is a different angle. I am unfamiliar with this perspective. And, I intend to become acquainted with it.

New Years Eve is a rough night for me. Gordon proposed to me on New Years Eve, 1987. So, regardless of the stuff I pack into the day (this year, two homemade soups, pumpkin bread, massive cleaning), I am running away from a terribly deep sadness. I run as long as I can, and then I get tired and I am hit with this basic feeling: I miss Gordon. I miss feeling that kind of love that I felt in 1987.

Ok, it hurts, I am sad and he is never coming back. A good cry and I should be feelin better.

And, I do.

I made it over that hump. I anticipate that next year, it might be the same. And, I can get through it.

So, I find myself on January 2, 2011 feeling relieved that it is no longer December 31, 2010. I am relieved that we have clean towels. I am relieved that I recognized a crappy paper and can rewrite it with a clear head.

And, for what I did right? I said, 'yes'.