Pick Myself Up and Move Forward

Such a sad week, this has been. The horrible events in Arizona, then the biting cold, then bidding my son farewell as he returns to school and then the news that one of his first buddies died by suicide has all left me a bit of a mess.

The last thing, the young man who died, has been the one that tipped me over. I have been a mess the last few days. But, seem to have picked myself up and am moving forward.

But, I'm the lucky one. I can pick myself up and move forward.

When Sam was set to leave the other day, I grabbed him and hugged him a little tighter this time. I didn't want to let go of him. I want him to find his own happiness and to experience his own stuff and fix his own problems and revel in fixing his own problems. It's the problems that have all the good 'stuff' that help us learn and grow and all that stuff.

And then I had to let him go to go and live his own life.

He spent the last four weeks merging back into life in our household. Within a few days of his arrival, he was a member of the clan, barking orders and being barked at like we all do. I loved having him home.

But, he confided that he didn't feel like he belonged as much anymore. I noticed that, here and there, him putting dishes away in the wrong places in the kitchen, sleeping on a lumpy couch upstairs in the loft area as his bedroom is long gone with our old house...

I noticed it, too, with his friends. He would call them up and they'd go out and play pool or drink a few beers here and there. But, I could tell that he was not feeling as comfortable here in Lawrence.

I remember that feeling, coming home to visit when I was in college. Things felt awkward. I was always glad to be home but always glad to.... get home.

And, then there is the sweet face, smiling out next to the black and white words of his obituary that I saw this week. My heart actually hurt for a minute. I knew that face. I remember that smile. I remember him driving, I remember him waving. I remember him! And, now he is gone. And, I don't know why.

I am reminded of how much we don't know, as I listen to the reports on tv weighing in as to why the tragedy in Arizona happened. Politics. Gun laws. Mental illness. Troubled families. Heck, even God was in there, too (thanks, Fred P!, asshole). Everyone wants to weigh in and answer the question, "why?"

Here is a news flash: there is no final answer. The answer is still yet to be revealed. It will come, in time, a layer at a time. We want an answer now, for sure, but, it doesn't work that way. It just doesn't.

I wanted to know why this young man died. But, I recognize that he must have had a tipping point of sorts, that there was one reason and there were also a million reasons. And then he was gone.

All I know, is that a mom in Lawrence aches for a son who is no longer there. And, I pray for her and pray for all of the families affected in Arizona. And, I pray for me, too. This thing called 'life', is so, so hard sometimes.