Go Sh(* in Your Hat

It's midnight. Dad is snoring away in his chair. Sam is snoring away on the couch. Georgia is probably snoring away in her bed. And, I am wide awake.

My last few days have been coated with shame. I was waiting on a grade for one of my classes. I worked my butt off on the final presentation and the paper. This instructor is an APA stickler of all things, APA. I thought I had done a pretty good job. And then, in the blink of an eye, all that self-confidence was down the toilet. I did not cite a reference correctly. No, I did not say that I did not cite a source, but that it was cited, incorrectly. In her book, this is a mortal sin. And, she accused me of far more than I committed.

I was given a choice: rewrite this paper that amounts to about 40 percent of my grade, or, get an 'F' on the paper, which pulls the grade down to a 'C'. In grad school, a 'C' is like an 'F-'. I chose to re-write the paper.

I cannot begin to express how awful I felt. It was as if I had committed a felony. I did not cheat. I did not take credit for anothers' work. I simply cited something, incompletely. It was in the bibliography. It was even cited. It was just cited, wrong.

I actually contemplated for a moment or two, quitting school and becoming a career cleaning lady! What the hell? Five semesters of 4.0 down the drain?

I talked with one of my sisters. She is also pursuing a degree in social work. She helped me screw my head back on correctly.

Then, the best part of all of this, is that the very group that inspired my research, presentation and paper, supported me tonight. I went to my group, and told the 15 other people in the room, what happened. And, given that there were at least two or three teachers in the room, the collective gasp and muttering made me feel better. Everyone agreed that the punishment was much too harsh for the 'crime'. But, regardless, what FELT good was tossing that pile of shame out the window, and wrapping their support around my little narrow shoulders and remembering what IS important. This, my friends, is what matters. Friends. And, I had a room-ful of them and would pretty much do anything for any of them. So, to quote Corrado Soprano (from 'The Sopranos'): "Go shit in your hat".

Instead of watching alot of really bad reality television and eating fudge the next few weeks, I will be re-researching the power of shared interest groups for those who are socially isolated. Fun times.

Tonight, after feeling good after the meeting, I decided to fete my co-workers with homemade baked goods. I made gingerbread cookies shaped like Christmas trees. I frosted them with red frosting. Then, I started to realize how off that was, then, realized I was over thinking the cookies. I made 'Spectacular Fudge'. We'll see if it works out. I made chocolate covered pretzels. And, I now know what white chocolate smells and looks like when it is burnt in the microwave.

I like my co-workers. They are two young social workers, both smart. And, both, quite thin, now that I think of it, but, that is besides the point. Anyway, I like them. I am encouraged by their ability to really look over a situation in a critical way and help their clients in a positive way. I worry that tI think I tend to love my clients a wee bit too much. I also know for a fact that caring for others is not a character flaw. But, again, I like these two young women. They are smart. And, as someone who is old enough to be their mom, I am strangely proud of them both. I wish I could tell both of their moms that they should be proud, because these two young women do the profession of Social Work proud.

I decided that I would re-write this paper AFTER Christmas. I have until January 15th. And, why can't I focus on the good stuff, like the fact that she gave me an A plus on my presentation and said it was one of the best she had seen? Why can't I focus on that? I dunno....

I was reminded tonight how important it is to get in touch with 'What you Did Right'. As a person who lost a loved one to suicide, one of the hardest things to get past is all of the things I think I did wrong. The should haves and the could haves. But, we have been challenged to consider the things we each did, right.

And so, in 2011, I am going to try and identify what I have done, right.

And yes, Christmas trees CAN be red!